So today was a little unproductive I had trouble focusing on what ever wanted to do.   I wanted to make my mom a journal but it was really hard to get it together  I have trouble focusing on myself  My moods low Im missing my animals and lysa more and more each day  I have been looking forward for monday because I have John and I need a dose of his wisdom   

        some days I really want to disappear fade away never come out and hide in a safe place.  What place is safe now  for me?  No apartment I can't lock the doors I can't ignore the buzzer I'm forced to see people when I feel so sad and blue and everything that comes under depression 

I do have some urges to use I won't use though I  invested way too much time and work staying clean and sober and in all honesty I don't even know who I'd go through    I'm looking for to getting my medallion it means a lot to me and it shows the amount of hard work I put into being clean and sober.  

I've been thinking about today Lisa passed away I don't really know what she was up to the last 4 months of me being in here she died in March, March 23rd to be exact in the middle of the night and I know she was drinking because they were fireball nip bottles all over my apartment,  my parents said that when they were moving me out   but not only that it doesn't surprise me she was drinking she also had sleep apnea and over took her sleeping meds I think what happened was she over took her meds she got drunk fell asleep had sleep apnea attack couldn't wake herself up and she passed away but I really wanna know if she was hanging out with somebody if she was hanging out with people was it more than just alcohol and this will never be answered ever they couldn't do an  autopsy because of covid and  I think that sucks 

I also haven't talking to this guy named George he's a nice guy and I knew she was engaged not long ago so I got really confused about it and I finally confronted him about it and he told Lee pretended like he didn't see my question about his relationship status and try talking about something else so now I'm just kinda not talking to him I don't know why guys suck

I had a really good visit on Friday with my parents it was an excellent visit we talked we laughed and everything else and I wish it didn't end also one of the staff members so probably won't be going home for the holidays and I think that sucks especially if you're going home to a safe situation where like everybody's testing negative you know and I just think that's awful and I know it's safe safety first but I really really really want just spend some time with my family and then also PT is ending at the end of the month for me and they're gonna have me do restorative care and I am very very upset I just started taking steps    I have not canceled not 1 appointment and im giving it my all!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so upset   

one last thing I'm going to be requesting an MRI for my back and for my left leg  drags there's something definitely going on there it's never been this hard for me to regain walking and I have been in this position a couple of different times

Tuesday I start the eating disorder program and I am quite excited about it um I just wanna healthier relationship with food maybe get myself in a normal routine    more to come on this