The vortex of the storm

 john belushi video

 So today was a little unproductive I had trouble focusing on what ever wanted to do.   I wanted to make my mom a journal but it was really hard to get it together  I have trouble focusing on myself  My moods low Im missing my animals and lysa more and more each day  I have been looking forward for monday because I have John and I need a dose of his wisdom             some days I really want to disappear fade away never come out and hide in a safe place.  What place is safe now  for me?  No apartment I can't lock the doors I can't ignore the buzzer I'm forced to see people when I feel so sad and blue and everything that comes under depression  I do have some urges to use I won't use though I  invested way too much time and work staying clean and sober and in all honesty I don't even know who I'd go through    I'm looking for to getting my medallion it means a lot to me and it shows the am...

So I wanted to say that I am in rehab now rehab am in this to help me be able to walk again. The drama on the unit is pretty crazy my first roommate never showered and was gross then my next roommate was an older lady and was viciously and mean. The lady after that was of similar age which I was happy about she had lost both her legs I had bonded with her until she lit up a crack pipe  Then I made friends with a woman who all of a sudden claimed she was raped the cops came   She refused a rape kit her story changed a 100 times  She said she liked it   Then said she wish it happened to me   Seems more like a psychiatric hospital than a rehab   I wish that people were not in so much emotional turmoil. This is going to be a short entry today I want to get in-depth tomorrow about my emotions and about me starting a program on Tuesday   It probably will be in the morning or so Saturday    I might just stay low stay away fr...

 Missing my old reality  where did you go? a sorrow you would never know... vanished in thin air kindness could never compare  I hope the afterlife is wonderful full of things that we can only dream about Nicole Bright I am missing Lysa immensely.  The fall air brings up her memory and I cry a ton about my cats still.  I am not sure why the fall changing colors and getting colder brings that up.   I just want her back really badly   I want my animals I miss them so much it hurts physically   My whole world turned upside down.   After Lysa died losing them all I got so depressed I stopped trying so hard in physical therapy Then I lost the apartment.   Worst year of my life really    Trying a new anxiety book its pretty good and I'm teaching Cindy too.